Britain's got taste is an original musical comedy written by Sara Perry. Based on Britains Got Talent and the X.Factor this hilarious send up begs the question on whether it is all a fix? With including Pieman Fowl, Amy Whinegum, Milky Snackson and Broccoli Spears the story follows the day to day filming behind and in front of the cameras at the television studio. There are various roles suitable for all age groups from the age 5 and upwards and can involve a cast of upto 45. Running time 1.1/2 hrs. Perfect for a school production and a wonderful opportunity for children to explore comic timing.
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ACT 1
Scene 1
The set is a television studio where ‘Britain’s Got Taste’ semi- final is being filmed an annual talent
show looking for the act with that special something.
Performers, crew members and make-up team are milling around learning lines, chatting and being made-up
everything is in disarray.
Director- Ok standby everyone, (The camera men and others are taking no notice ) I said standby everyone, STAND
BY!! (everyone instantly takes their places and the set is put in order the director addresses the audience ) Studio
audience remember what we did in rehearsals, exactly that but clap and laugh in the right places, thanks. Ok Britains
Got Taste Semi Final Take 1! 5,4 (mouths & uses finger actions 3,2,1 uses clapper board whilst mouthing action!
Sherbet O’Cheery & Cat Cheesy the presenters are standing DSL & DSR waiting for the directors signal. All other
cast are on the sidelines or off stage but not in direct view. The presenters are very affected and doll like.
MUSIC- ‘Britain’s got talent theme tune’
(Britains Got Taste Sign is carried across the set by back stage crew)(SUGGESTED MUSIC)- ‘
What a difference that day makes’ (Sherbet & Cat Sing and are possibly accompanied by cheesydancing)
Sherbet O’Cheery- (He is standing DSR at mic, speaks in a very cheery voice & has a constant grin . The cameramen
are in position with cameras on presenters and the judges panel is pushed into position DSC) Good evening &
welcome back to this years semi-final of ‘Britains got taste!!
All cast- Applause
Sherbet- I am Sherbet O’Cheery, sometimes known as Gordon Wonder, the guy with
out the taste that counts. Ha Ha(Pause as no one laughs and to prevent this the cameramen walk across either side of the stage behind the presenters
with signs saying ‘Don‘t Laugh, Do Not React‘ etc..) You may remember me on such programmes as ‘Feast-enders‘
or ‘Celebrity Hog Brother’ (Again Pause & silence from the audience as the cameramen again cross the stage with the
signs to their original position)
Cat Cheesy- (Cutting into silence) And I’m Cat Cheesy, sometimes known as…er..well Cat Cheesy, Ha
ha…(uncomfortable pause)…and you may remember me on …well…on programmes like….. this one.. Ha ha..ha…..
(Looks over at Sherbet, both still have grins but are feeling very uncomfortable as there is still no reaction )
Sherbet- Ha ha…ha . In a few minutes we will be giving you the results of tonight’s show but first lets welcome back
our judges.
Cat Cheesy- (Serious tone) Sadly last week saw the departure of ‘Jammy Mintoes’ who decided to leave to pursue her
career in ‘Australian Soup’,
Sherbet- This was after she realised that she didn’t have a clue what she was doing on this show and ‘Pieman’ didn‘t
want to continue paying out for her expensive hairdo‘s.
Cat Cheesy- So tonight to take over the under 10’s category please welcome ‘Cherry Bowl’.
MUSIC- Girls Aloud Track
(Cherry Bowl saunters on to mass cheers entering USR through the lit doorway atUSC. As she crosses the back of the stage the make-up girls are touching up her make-up. As she enters through the
doorway there is some sort of effect like smoke or bubbles. She takes her seat at the judges area, all shiny, glamour
without a brain like a Barbie doll. She is wearing a long dress with a cape which cameraman 2 helps to dismantle
before she sits down. As she sits the music stops)
Thank goodness the TV station let us have an earlier spot tonight as last week their parents wouldn’t allow them to
perform as it was waaaay past their bed time.
Sherbet- So moving on, please give a warm welcome to our mentor for the dance groups…… ‘Haman Eggsbourne!’
MUSIC- Ozzy Osbourne Track or theme tune to her chat show
(Haman Eggsbourne enters USL andthrough the doorway to take her place at the judges panel. Before she enters through arch she is signing autographs
for the make-up team. There is some sort of stage effect as she enters through the doorway. Cameraman 1 dismantles
some of her outer clothing and as she sits down the music stops. She gets up again and the music starts and
cameraman 1 pushes her back down. Again she gets up again and the cameraman does the same. This process is
repeated a few times until the cameraman holds her in position. The cameraman signals to Cat to continue and that
he has it in control.)
Cat Cheesy- And mentoring for the over 10’s, ‘Chewy…. Squash!’
MUSIC- ‘Flying without wings’
(Chewy enters USR to applause wearing a pair of angel wings. The make-upgirls follow before he reaches the doorway but they can’t catch him. Again there is some sort of stage effect as he
enters. He clearly loves himself as Cameraman 2 removes the wings. As he takes his seat the music stops.
Sherbet- Finally this years mentor for the Solo Boy Bands ……‘Pieman….. Fowl!’
MUSIC- ‘Carmina Burana -O Fortuna’
(He enters USL as the other judges but pushes the make-up girlsaside. He is wearing a devils cape and horns which is taken off him when he enters by cameraman 2 revealing his
very high trousers. Audience hiss and boo). So judges how do you think the contestants will do tonight?
Pieman- Well Dreary.
Sherbet- (a bit tentatively and quiet) It’s Sherbet O’ Cheery
Pieman- What did you say? (Snappy)
Sherbet- Er it’s Sherbet actually, you were calling me by my surname? (looks embarrassed) Dreary which isn‘t
actually my surname, it’s Cheery? (No response) Cheery is my surname.
Pieman- Oh what ever, Dreary, (Dreary looks crushed & embarrassed) it’s been a surprising result so far. As you
know I have not been completely satisfied with the performances on more than one occasion..
Chewy- More than (sarcastically under his breath)
Pieman- What was that? (Looking at the other judges)
Chewy- I didn’t say anything did you? (Looking at Haman & Cherry)
Pieman- I repeat that I haven’t been satisfied more than once..
Chewy- All the time more like (again under his breath)
Pieman- Will you stop it! (Looking at Chewy)
Chewy- Soreee! (He giggles like a naughty kid)
Pieman- Excuse me Dreary…(Turns to Chewy)
Sherbet- It’s Sherbet (very quietly again)
Pieman- Chewy, who’s show is this?
Chewy- Your’s Pieman, but they wanted me back!! You thought you could fire me, well egg in your face!! (Stands up
and points finger very child like)
Pieman- Now to get back to what I was saying before I was rudely interrupted , to be honest I’m a little surprised that
this lot made it this far.
Chewy- Liar.. (Loud whisper, Pieman looks around & gives him an evil stare at Haman who mimes‘What?’ behind
the desk) (Audience Boo, as cameramen hold up placards with boo written on them)
Cat Cheesy- (Speaks before Pieman can say anything) What about you Haman? Do you agree with Pieman?
Hamen- You know me Cat, I never tell the truth and nothing is different tonight. I think they are all fabulous for the
duration of the show and then I’ll drop them anyway.
Cat Cheesy- Chewy?
Chewy- Fat, Fat,
Cat Cheesy- It’s Cat..
Chewy- come on, you know the shows a fix and Pieman will win because he’s the producer. I’m only
back because we are losing money and the papers made him look bad . I don’t really care anymore.
Sherbet- Cherry what about you?
Cherry- I haven’t even seen the show this series yet. I only got the call last night. (Looking at Pieman) What
category am I in again sweetie? I was really distracted when you called.
Pieman- Under 10’s (He beams at her)
Haman- You said I was having that one, now Jammy’s gone. (Whining)
Pieman- (Sarcastically) Sorry sweet heart, I guess your just not that popular
Sherbet- (Breaking it up before an argument ensues.) Oh….Well ….Now in a few moments the lines will be closed
and I will reveal this years semi finalists but before we do lets have a little look at the acts that are already auditioning
for next years show.
Cat Cheesy- Next years show?
Sherbet- Yes, there are so many entrants this year that auditions have had to start early.
Cat Cheesy- But how’s that possible I mean all the judges are here.
Sherbet- Well that’s the clever thing Cat! The producers bring in look-alikes so they don’t have to pay the judges so
much!
Pieman- Hey I wasn’t told about this and it’s my show
Cat Cheesy/Sherbet- Well thaaaaats show biz!! (Pieman looks very disgruntled) You have to read the small print!!
Cat Cheesy- Lets go over to Blake Thornton who we have on satellite link from the studio next door. Hi Blake…Are
you there.. (Pause) (The judges panel is pushed to the side SR on an angle by backstage crew as Cat
Cheesy is talking. The tabs close and Blake enters SL behind a picture frame that is held by the two cameramen and
stops CS. His legs are blacked out by material which is hanging from the picture frame. There are long pauses to
depict the time it takes for the sound to reach the other studio. Although Cat and sherbet are still animated Blake just
stares to the front as he can‘t see them)
Blake Thornton- Hi Fat…Sherbet
Cat Cheesy- It‘s Cat…. (Pause) It’s CAT!! (Mimes to sherbet can she hear me?)
Blake Thornton- Well I’m just on the side of the wall taking a sneak preview at next years entrants. As you can
guess there has been so much interest that we never have enough time to see everyone so we are doing the auditions
early.
Sherbet- Great, that’s my kind of entertainment. How bad are they?
(Pause Blake is listening really hard)
Blake Thornton- Oh Bad.
Sherbet- A little birdie tells me that there is a new category being added
Blake Thornton- Well that little birdie was correct Sherbet the new category is ‘RAW talent’ and it’s going to make
the competition very interesting. In fact if you are very quiet, we can take a peep right now.
(He makes a beckoning motion and shuffles to the left as the tabs open to reveal the first act who are perfo`rm`ing in
mime. Over here is a team of cocktail shakers calling themselves ‘The Booze Brothers’ who have clearly got a lot of
work to do.
MUSIC- ‘Everybody loves somebody’ (
Booze Brothers a Cocktail shakers perform drinking most of thecocktails.) Not bad but not good either. (The tabs close and Blake shuffles centre again) Now this one has to be my
favourite an unusual team but definitely worth staying in for. (Tabs open to reveal dog handler and dog as Blake
shuffles SL)
MUSIC- ‘I don’t feel like dancing’
(Handler and dog dance) (Tabs close and Blake shuffles CS)Blake Thornton- Well that wasn’t so bad, looks like they are having a good day! You should have seen them at the
Weekend a right dogs dinner!! Ha ha. Well I’m off now for a much needed break it’s thirsty work this presenting lark.
Or should I say bark! Ha ha (No reaction) So back to you Cat & Dreary.
Cat Cheesy- Thanks Blake (Blake shuffles off assisted by cameramen and tabs open)
Sherbet- Now back to tonight and the acts still remaining.
Cat Cheesy- Yes Sherbet ( The judges immediately start taking out books to read Nintendo D.s & nail files)
Please welcome back For the ‘over 10’s’ category and in her case way over the pass mark ‘Amy Whine Gum’
MUSIC - ‘
Rehab - Amy Winehouse’ -(Amy Whine Gum enters though the doorway at the back with awalking stick and very hunched over she looks rough and older than her years. She sings a song then bursts into
tears)
Cat Cheesy- Now next, in the dance category ‘The Kit Kat Rolls & The Coconuts’
MUSIC- (Dance) Annie I‘m not your daddy (Kid Creole & The Coconuts)
(dancers come on throughback doorway and do a dance and exit again SR )
Sherbet- Please give a warm round of applause for our 2nd ‘over 10’s’ and to have made it this far ‘Broccoli Spears’.
MUSIC- ‘Baby Hit Me One More Time- Britney Spears’
- (Broccoli Spears flounces on very greatconfidence and even though her personality is a cross between Verucca Salt & Lindsay Lohan she actually sings quite
well.)
Cat Cheesy- Next please welcome back to the stage maybe for the last time in the under 10’s category
Milky….Snackson
MUSIC - ‘Eat It- Michael Jackson’